Dear stranger I don't know, thank you

Sometimes I lock my bike up outside my house. I generally chain it to a tree or a signpost because I don't like to drag it down into the basement and then have to haul it out again the next morning. This was the case yesterday when I left my bike chained to a post. But, when I came home late from a friend's house, I noticed that my bike was tipped over & looking completely disheveled (although I'm sure it was unintentional). However, last night I was feeling particularly forlorn and only gave my poor bike a passing glance before I went up to my apartment. Sometimes nothing feels worth it. Not even picking up my bike. The next morning (today) my bike was standing up! Yes, dear friends, some stranger had picked up my bike for me. I know it isn't much of a story, but it renews some small sense of hope that I seem to be consistently losing. These days I'll gratefully accept any form of kindness I come across...even something as small & unimportant as picking up a fallen bike. Whoever you are, thank you.

Glory

Soccer practice today was awesome. I scored a goal and had an assist during the scrimmage...but most importantly I managed to take a man down. I couldn't be more proud.

Quietly, there

Last night was wonderful. I went out with a group of friends for a delicious Thai dinner. Afterwards we walked around downtown and then went to the late night jazz show at the Dakota Club.


I'm officially in love with the Dakota. The show was mesmerizing. The band played a set of mostly Chet Baker all night...including my most favorite favorite My Funny Valentine. Something about the wine, the music, and the warm weather put me into a deep sleep when I got home. I had the most vivid and colorful dreams last night. I have a feeling I'll be dreaming in jazz for a long time...

Lucky

I've been doing a lot of doing lately. And all this doing and being and discovering has gotten me excited and happy about where I'm headed. Somehow all this 'doing' has brought back the spark that seemed to have been missing from my life for quite some time. To start I went to a yoga class taught by a friend. Since I hadn't taken a yoga class in over a year I was a bit weary about how I'd do. Fret not! I quickly realized that those fears were unfounded. The class was amazing. Something about Yoga helps me be better at being. (Whoa. Pretty deep.) Seriously, I'm always astonished at how emotionally centered it makes me feel. I'm not sure what, but something about the practice is so calming and makes me trust myself & my instincts more.

I was also delighted to receive an email response to a post I wrote about joining a soccer team. It appears as if someone wants me to join their team...I have my first practice this Sunday! I have loved soccer since I began playing when I was 6. Unfortunately (fortunately?) I wasn't allowed to do more than one sport so I chose dance over soccer. Nevertheless I continued to be intrigued by the sport and wanted to find a way back into the game and now, I'll be back in action!

In other news I have begun to think, legitimately think, about what I am going to do with my life and where I want to go. I have so many interests but I've still managed to narrow down my list to something small & wonderful (think: SEATTLE! CHICAGO! NEW YORK! GRAD SCHOOL! TEACHING ABROAD! TRAVEL! ETC! ETC!) I don't want to give away all my secrets but I will say this: People, I'm going places. For real. There are many destinations, goals, and aspirations on the agenda. It's exciting to think about...so exciting. I love how I am somehow finding my way back to the things that make me feel the most invigorated. Smoothing out wrinkles from my master plan has made me realize that SO much is happening SO fast. I can't help but feel a little sad, but mostly, really grateful and excited. I can't wait to begin beginning.

No joke

As was aforementioned I am living in a bit of a nebulous state right now trying to figure what I am going to do after I graduate and, equally important, how I am going to do it. I feel like the only thing that makes sense right now is to do something completely senseless...as oxymoronic (existentialist?) as that sounds. Since nothing seems to make an ounce of sense anymore and I'm feeling careless and out of sorts the only logical thing I can think to do is jump out of a plane.

Seriously.

Who wants to go skydiving with me? I'm afraid of heights and I'm sure I'll probably freak as soon as they open the door...but what a rush! What a thrill! What an insane, foolish, harebrained, crazy, incredible, fantastic, ridiculous idea it is! For some time I've had this notion in me that I want to feel weightless. I want to feel the sensation of falling through the clouds, I want to break the rules, be almost bird-like with a rush of wind on all sides of my body as I fall. Seriously. Who's with me?

Also, dandelions

Oh my, oh my dear readers and friends. It certainly has been a while since the last post. Right now I'm in a bit of a chaotic storm and I'm not sure exactly which way to cover. School is almost out, spring appears to have arrived, and I am still jobless for the future. Other areas of my life seem a bit prone to trouble as well...but I won't go into detail. I have also begun to feel the first twinges of wanderlust pulling at my shoelaces again. I need to travel. I'm sure I won't be able to make it to as far as I'd like to go (New York, Montreal, California) but I at least need to make a trip down to Chicago/Milwaukee to visit a dear friend. All fussiness aside I think the best cure for what I've got is to straighten up. I've gone through my drawers and shelves and have removed everything that I know I haven't worn/read/used in the past year. It feels so good to lighten the load and get rid of all the clutter. Second I'm going to start going for walks/bike rides because they calm me down and make me live slower. I love seeing what's going on outside & this city is an amazing place to watch because it is in a constant state of growth and change. The fact that the days are longer (sunnier too, it seems) and the grass is becoming green again is definitely helping turn my mood around. It's the simple things, people. Sunny days, afternoons with great friends, t shirt weather, etc. make me so much happier than anything anyone could ever buy. And let me not forget my favorite reminder of spring, dandelions. Everywhere, dandelions. It's time to start smiling again.

When I grow up ...

I've certainly come to a cross roads lately...graduation encroaching on my lackadaisical lifestyle I am forced to grapple with the fact that I must get a job that pays the bills or I will be out on my ass. This revelation that my somewhat scatter-brained and unrealistic existence is coming to a close with the symbolic lifting of the tassel to the other side of the cap is terrifying. I'm literally paralyzed with fear at the thought of the future. Lately I've done nothing to help my situation, in fact I spent much of yesterday fretting about the inevitability of the cold hard truth: the future looks expensive, unforgiving, and tough as hell. I know I know things aren't necessarily going to be so bad...but I can't help but wonder, what if they are? How do I know they won't be that bad? There's no guarantee of anything anymore. In fact the job market hasn't taken an optimistic turn in any direction and competition for jobs (not even good jobs but any job) has become ferocious and cutthroat.

This weekend I went a really wonderful soiree with the people I sometimes work with at a well-known Minneapolis restaurant. It was so great to see old friendly faces again and to gossip about other people or bitch over new developments or things that will probably never change at the place. Nevertheless this is why we love it so much and why we're completely attached to it. As much as we all bitch and complain about the place, we're lifers. And for all its flaws there are equally as many perks. What job allows you all the time off you could ever ask for? True it's not handed to you, but as long as you can find someone to cover your shift you don't have to worry about taking too much time off. The dress code...there isn't one. Don't worry about being forced into conservative knee length skirts, panty hose, and frumpy dress pumps. Tattoos, piercing, wild hairstyles, outlandish make up, and gaudy jewelry are encouraged. In fact, the more creative your style the larger your tip generally ends up being. I love that I can honestly relax and actually feel like I am being myself. The people I work with are generally the people who I love to party with and who I hang out with before and after work. It's a diverse group of people who all have one thing in common: they're all really fucking awesome.

So why do I assume that I need to sell-out and report the nearest corporate office upon graduating? It probably has something to do with my middle-class suburban upbringing. I was raised on the idea that if you worked hard you'd go far in life, that sacrifice was essential, and that one day if I sacrificed and worked hard enough I too might be able to purchase a home in the suburbs and have a family to thus perpetuate the vicious cycle of mediocrity. Needless to say I went kicking and screaming through most of my youth. But if there is anything to be said for growing up it's that you get to leave home and become your own person. Don't get me wrong I love my parents and all that they sacrificed to give to me...but I just know that their lifestyle and that of the suburbs is not for me.

My first inkling that I didn't necessarily have to have one job for the rest of my life came from a really amazing teacher who completely changed my life forever. This wild and wonderful teacher told me about his experience going to Japan after he graduated college. He said to himself, 'I've achieved more than anyone else in my family. But what do I really know?' and decided to test his knowledge by going to a country who knew little about with a language he had never spoken before to see how he could survive. This was one of the most radical ideas I'd ever heard. So you didn't just get a job in a cubicle? You took a year off after graduation? You didn't know anything about the country of the language? YOU WENT TO ASIA? Wow. My image of the world and life and what I had been taught to do versus what I was capable/able to do was completely shattered. (And by shattered I mean made more whole and beautiful.)

Which brings me back to the question at hand: what do I do with my life now that I've conquered the beast of higher education? Where do I go, where do I begin? I know that I'm not destined for a desk job...I'd rather eat raw meat with a pro-choice republican while singing the national anthem before I'd sign my soul over to a cubicle in corporate America. Back to the party with my friends from work...why why why can't I have a job like this? What is so wrong with being a waitress? I love the people I work with, I have a lot of freedom and personal liberty, I make decent money, and I have fun. I can have as much time off as I want or need and generally have to work less than I would if I have a conventional job. Who wouldn't want a job like that? It's an amazing place where I get to work with my friends, meet new people, and see awesome concerts. This doesn't mean that it'd be a permanent job but I realize that I am certainly not ready to hand over all my freedom. I'm still young and immature and idealistic. This job embodies so much of who I am and they way I want to live my life. So I guess you could say I'm definitely starting to transition my way over to the waitress as a full-time job camp. And why not? Tell me why not?

Survival of the fittest

The most unfrench thing I'll probably ever buy.

Trouble

The impulse shopper strikes again...