dimanche, juillet 27
Sifting and sorting through boxes, bags, and drawers I review the paperwork before my eyes. September 2, le 2 Septembre, it says in English and French. This moment feels oddly familiar despite the fact that the situation is new; once again I'm preparing to say goodbye and am carefully rereading all of the facts on a time line send to me via foreign correspondence. A scant 27 days or so stand between me and the great new adventure in the North East. I've an ocean of work to do between then and now in terms of preparation yet I approach the fact that I am completely unprepared with gleeful excitement. I thrive under pressure. Unlike last summer where I'd known for months about my imminent departure to France I've only just learned about Montreal 2 months before, not much time to fully internalize and accept the fact that I am leaving. Leaving again. Hello, au revoir. I can't decide just how I feel about it yet, because, well, it's all happening so goddamn fast. Everyone's been congratulating me and telling me how amazing it is that I'm following my goals/dreams/aspirations/whatever/etc. And they're mostly right, but then again, I feel a bit trite in smiling and responding with the obligatory, Thanks, I'm so lucky or I know isn't it great? I mostly just want to shout at them, You can do it too, you can make whatever you want for yourself happen, stop waiting around, I think you're really brilliant and I wish you did too, I'm not any different then you I just realized that the fear of not doing what I wanted was greater then the fear of trying and potentially failing. I'm in no means an example to be followed, but I simply wish that people, namely those I love and care about, would do more. (And by do more I mean do more doing, any sort of doing really.) I continue to approach this new experience with critical eyes, have I made a knee-jerk reaction to returning back to the States? Was I too scared to actually try things out here? Am I running from my past? Do I glorify my past too much because I fear the future/unknown? Do I fear the shaky job market and slumped economy? Why didn't I apply to a program in France? Is this what I really want or just something that I was accepted to and thus accepted myself? As usual, I'm drowning in questions and trying to grab at any answer that floats by. Of course answers to hypothetical questions rarely present themselves so easily and I try to calm nerves by searching for apartments on craigslist or reading up on Montreal's neighborhoods. I guess the only conclusion I can come to at this point is that I'm restless. I know Minneapolis isn't for me, at least not yet, maybe one day. In this moment I need more, a lot more, and I can say with almost complete certainty that Montreal won't be enough for me either, even if for the moment it keeps my heart content.
vendredi, juillet 18
Pssst....I just signed up for my fall class at McGill! I'm super fired up to go and live in Montreal and giddy with joy about being a student again. I can't wait to buy my books and sharpen my pencils, does any one else get this excited about the newness of each semester? Certainly it will be a lot of work, but for the moment just the idea of it all is enough to keep me smiling. Speaking of reasons to smile, today I ran 6. 6! Goodness me I've never ran so long/far ever. Anyways I'm at the library again and am about to go dig up some books on Montreal and maybe look for a Vegan cook book before I have to jet off to work. Did I mention that this is my 200th post on La Fille en Rose? Round of applause for me and you! It feels great to put my words out there, it feels even better knowing you read & respond to them. Mille fois merci!
mardi, juillet 15
I'm having trouble sleeping tonight...it probably has to do with the fact that I went to the amusement park yesterday and when I got home I slept from 9 until noon today. The day before that, Saturday, I worked a hearty 16 hour day. In any case I can't complain as I've filled my days with laughter and new experiences, as per this time last year I am fully aware of how much I love this city and how connected I feel to it. Nevertheless the restless wanderer in me is not content to stay and I will be picking up and leaving yet again; time to be fearless. As I've mentioned before this summer I'm trying to challenge myself more and do/see/experience things I normal would say no to. I began with interpreting, a scary experience for me but also a necessary one. Initially my stomach would sink as I rode the elevator up and then sat waiting for the client to show up, but now, I adore it. I feel super comfortable with the staff and the situation and really enjoy being able to help out in any way possible, it's especially cool to be able to help out in such a hands-on way. I know they need me there. Keeping up with this notion of new & scary ideas I decided to talk to our chef and see if I could try my hand at baking for the restaurant a bit. I've always loved to bake and thought it might be fun to help out a bit. I was given the task of making the desserts for Sunday brunch, Hurrah! , I thought. Unlike interpreting, however, this new opportunity didn't offer as much fulfillment as I had hoped. Unfamiliar with the bulky equipment and dealing with a janky as hell oven certainly didn't help matters, my desserts (the ones that survived) turned out mediocre at best & I wound up baking until 3 in the morning. Yikes...maybe I wasn't cut out to be a pastry chef. In any case I didn't let one small slip up keep me from going on not 1 but 2 roller coasters at the fair! (If you were unaware I hate roller coasters and never ride them.) I'm so glad I did because they were great great great! Also, today I tried vegetarian chicken for the first time & I highly recommend it. It was so tasty I ate the whole platter. Rereading this blog I feel a bit silly writing about the ups and downs of my experiments in being brave, but I'm hopeful that perhaps you'll try something new too? Fearlessness and being brave, dear friends, are my new favorite traits. My father always used to say, "How are you going to grow up to be big and strong if you don't try new things?" Right you are, Pa. Lately I feel like I'm 70 feet tall & growing...
mercredi, juillet 9
Tonight I watched "Across the Universe" down town on the roof top of a great Spanish restaurant and drank Sangria till the cows came home with my lovely friends. Biking back to the apartment I admired the skyscrapers and my life, my city, my friends, and my life. It seemed necessary to get a little food in me before going to bed so I stopped at my local pizza place and had a silly late night exchange with the man who worked at the counter. I walk in & order a slice of cheese pizza, immediately I recognize the cashier, he's waited on me before and we've chatted. He recognizes me says, "You've been in here before, haven't you?" I say, "Yes, we've chatted." He smiles and says he tries not to be too chatty with the customers but that I have such a nice demeanor and spirit about me, also that I'm very 'cute'. At this point I'd usually draw the line since he's an older gentleman and not really my type, but he seems so genuine in his words and has a kind way about himself as well that I smile and feel happy about our exchange of words. I tell him, "Don't worry, you're doing just fine" he responds, "Would I be doing just fine if I pick up your slice?" ...well of course, no harm there. As I'm about to leave I bring my plate over and thank him again, he gives me a piece of paper with the website address to some of his artwork and asks what I do. I assume he means art-wise so I mention that I used to be a dancer but haven't actively danced in quite some time. "I had a feeling you were going to say dance or yoga, he offers, I could tell by the way you were sitting as you ate. You've got very healthy spine." Seriously, I love this city.
mardi, juillet 8
Ladies and Gents, it's official....I've been accepted into my translation program at McGill University! I'm unbelievably excited and will be leaving my dear Minneapolis for Montreal incredibly soon, too soon in fact. Classes begin in early September which means I'll need to get my visa paper work in order, pack up my suit case, figure out my housing situation, and get financial aid all within the next month and a half. Insanity! & Joy! Like most decisions in my life I am beside myself with grief and bliss, such is the state of my existence. In any case I am off to another new city for another grand adventure which necessitates both passport & suitcase...friends it really is true, I am a lucky lucky girl. And now for your viewing pleasure, a video which encapsulates exactly what the inside of my brain looks like...bring out the band and let's mother flippin party!
jeudi, juillet 3
Out out, out with these feelings to uneasiness. Today I woke up early, before my alarm even, and puttered about the apartment before deciding to head over to the coop for a cup of coffee and a carrot cashew muffin. I suppose I woke up early because I had an interpreting appointment at MN Advocates and those always make me a bit nervous, I say yes to them because I want to help in any way possible and it's excellent practice for my French. (Also, it's good to test yourself. I realize I need to push myself to go further, I underestimate what I can do and settle for less too often.) I was about half way through my muffin when I felt like I was about to vomit, I immediately packed up my bag and ran into the bathroom. I guess I just felt queasy and needed a minute to calm down. At that point I began to wonder if I wasn't just sick and not nervous. Anyways I couldn't miss the appointment and biked down town just fine. Sometimes I think I internalize these stories too much. It's like I feel that by interpreting them (which must be done in first person thus, when I was beaten, when they threatened me, when I escaped, etc.) it becomes partly my story too. After I biked over to the library, it's been entirely too long since I've come here and it still feels just like home. Somewhere in the shuffle of moving to and from France I misplaced my library card and had to get a new one. When I went to see about getting a new card the librarian asked me, When did you realize it was lost? To which I responded, When I tried to find it and couldn't. We both laughed. So there you have it. In other news I've been working like crazy and I kissed a rock star. Now I'm off to go check out my book (Calvino again. He's quickly becoming a favorite.) and a dvd (Truffaut! L'amour en Fuite!) & then it's time for the beach. See you soon friend.