mardi, juillet 24

There she goes (again)

Check it goes fast! This summer, it's almost past. August is nary a week away, which means I'm almost gone. (Although, I must admit, part of me has already moved to France and has been living there for quite some time.) Despite the rapidly approaching date of departure I find myself already missing the idea of this city and the community I've created/found. I can't wait to leave, but I have anxiety about going. I'm over the moon for my job and the people I work with. Most importantly, I recognize how lucky I am. These circumstances aren't the norm, are they? I won't go into detail about how awesome things are, I've done this before, but I must say that realizing I'm leaving is now equal parts excitement equal parts sadness. So they sort of cancel each other out...leaving me somewhere in the middle of an emotion bordering on melancholy/apprehensive & dreamy/excited. If I'm not dreaming up some farfetched French fantasy I'm fretting over leaving and losing fantastic friends and a fabulous city for something completely unknown. There's no guarantee this will be 'better' or 'as good'...I'm not leaving because I'm unhappy with where I'm at. I can't say to myself, 'well at least it can't get any worse', because it can get worse. In fact things are so great right now how could I possibly expect them to get better? This is not to say that I'd ever turn this opportunity down, but I am starting to realize that life is rarely black and white. I'm never 100% sure of any decision I make. I am never moving in one direction, I am moving in many and all at once. Something about me is restless and never still, never satisfied. (Is this youth, immaturity, insanity?) I'm always needing something else, some indefinable something that is forever lacking. I suppose maybe the only cure for this is to keep moving, remain restless. So, here I am. For once I've planned ahead and I've got it all 'figured out'. Life should be simple and worry free now that I've got a plan and a timetable...nevertheless confusion and mayhem ensue.

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