dimanche, décembre 17
Somewhere in the middle
The days are so short I feel like I'm constantly running in place and never getting anywhere. Today was a strange day, mostly because I stayed up until 3:30 in the morning the night before (working on my thesis and a Camus paper for another lit class) and I woke up to sound of my neighbors fighting. I was supposed to work today, which is good because I am so terribly poor, & since I woke up at noon I decided to take the remaining time before work to look for hiking boots for my trip. The first spot was savers, where I buy almost everything I own, no luck with the boots but I did get an adorable black lace dress (!) and green scarf. I'm always looking for black dresses because we have to wear black to work, and as was aforementioned dresses are among the few things in this world that I worship. I came home & got ready and then received a phone call that I was no longer needed because they had over staffed the party. fuck. Well, I guess the good new is that I did eventually get hiking boots and finished my Camus paper. Thesis, on the other hand, owns me. There are bunches of fun parties and holiday-esque festivities going on around the city...I'm here in my sweat pants feeling every inch a winner. I can't even put my feelings into words anymore, I just make a lot of sounds and noises. (See roommates for explanation) I feel like a caged animal, not so much enraged but dismayed & forlorn...like the way I felt as a teenager, like the one kid in high school who didn't connect with anyone else. I was totally that girl with the attitude problem who skipped lunch because I didn't have any friends I liked and read books in the library. Oh the angsty years of my young pubescent life. Lately I feel like I'm walking through fog, I can't grab onto anything or make out the shapes of what's around me. And I certainly can't concentrate either. Last night I popped in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so I could watch my favorite scene of the movie, at the end... this beautiful montage of music & images and then everything in my life seemed so trivial and pointless. And, well. I suppose it probably is. Besides, who knows anything anymore.